3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
