I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
