made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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