Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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