you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
