ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
