My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
