Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
