I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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