Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
