I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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