No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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