i dedicated my morning wood to you.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
