his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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