if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
