You're so nebulous sometimes
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
