ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
