Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
