i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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