if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
