were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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