She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
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