to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
