Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
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Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
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I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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