i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
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Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
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I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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