I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
