dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
