I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
