So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
