just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Drake has all the answers
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
