I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Randomize
