If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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