Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
