he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
