NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
