Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Randomize