I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
