yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
