so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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