Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
