do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
