remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
