Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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