i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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