I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
