Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
