Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
