Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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