i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
