just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My vagina is officially offended.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
