So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
