I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
