go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
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he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.