theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
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it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
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It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low