i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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