I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha