Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
