Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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